Straight from the Heart

The message given in the Sunday night worship service in the Gettysburg United Methodist church.  October 30, 2022. The Bible verses used are Matthew 18:21-35.

            How do we react when someone hurts us?

            I’m sure it varies, depending on who hurt us and how badly.  It also can depend, sometimes, on whether we think they did it intentionally or not.  But under any circumstances, none of us ever likes being hurt.  And sometimes, the closer we are to the person who hurt us, the harder it is to deal with.  We resent it.  And when we think the person who hurt us did it intentionally, it can feel like a betrayal.  That makes it even harder to deal with.  We can start to feel very resentful toward people who we feel have hurt us.

            I would guess that most of us, if we’re honest about it, can think of times we’ve been hurt.  And I would also guess that most of us, if we’re honest about it, still feel some resentment toward the person who hurt us.  It may be something recent, or it may be something in the distant past.  It may be something we think about a lot, or it may be something we’ve tried to push out of our minds and get past.  But whatever it is, it’s still there.  That hurt, and that resentment, are still part of us.  And they keep us from getting close to God and from loving our neighbor.

            Those are all very human feelings.  It’s natural for us to feel that way.  And I’m sure when we feel that way, God understands.  But at the same time, it’s not what God wants for us.  Living our lives with a feeling of resentment does not help anyone, including ourselves.  In fact, it hurts us.  We carry that resentment inside, and it can tear us up.  And again, that resentment can keep us from being close to God.  And it can keep us from loving our neighbor the way God told us to.

            How do we deal with that?  Well, the opposite of feeling hurt and resentment is to grant forgiveness.  That’s what Jesus was talking about in our Bible reading today.

            Peter asks Jesus a question about forgiveness.  And they way Peter asks the question shows that he either did not really understand the whole concept of forgiveness or he just was looking for a loophole.  Because what does he ask?  “Lord, how many times shall I forgive someone who sins against me?  Up to seven times?”

            When we ask the question that way, what are we doing?  We’re trying to put conditions on our forgiveness.  We’re saying, well, okay, I’ll forgive you this time, but I’m keeping track.  I’m keeping score.  You’d better not do anything to me again, because next time I may not forgive you.

            A forgiveness that keeps score is not really forgiveness.  We may think it is, but it’s not.  If we’re keeping score, we really have not forgiven anyone.  We may be moving on, but we have not given up our feelings of resentment.  They’re still there.  And they keep us from restoring our relationship with the person who has hurt us.  We cannot really love someone when we still feel resentment toward them.  And we cannot truly feel love for God when we still feel resentment toward some of the people God created.

            The thing is, though, that this is hard.  Truly forgiving someone, with no strings attached, is a hard thing to do.  And the more we’ve been hurt, the harder it is.  Sometimes, at heart, we really don’t want to forgive someone.  We feel like they don’t deserve our forgiveness.  And, sometimes, we don’t want to give up that resentment.  We want to feel it.  We want someone to know how badly they’ve hurt us.  And we want to make them hurt just as badly.

            We know, of course, that that’s not what Jesus wants us to do.  Jesus wants us to forgive totally and completely, with no strings attached.  And of course, that’s what Jesus was able to do.  When he was hanging on the cross, dying, he was able to pray, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.”  We know that Jesus wants us to be able to forgive that way, too.

            In our reading for today, Jesus goes on to tell Peter a story to show just how important this whole forgiveness thing is.  He tells about a man who owed a huge debt and had it forgiven, but who then went on to refuse to forgive a small debt that someone owed him.  The man who refused to forgive was thrown in prison.  And Jesus concludes with, “This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother or sister from your heart.”

            Jesus is telling Peter that forgiveness, if it really is forgiveness, has to be total and complete.  We cannot hold anything back.  We cannot forgive and still hang on to our feelings of resentment.  We cannot forgive and still want someone to hurt.  It’s only forgiveness if we completely let go of our resentment.  It’s only forgiveness if we forgive from the heart.

            Jesus told Peter that the stakes are pretty high, too.  He told Peter that if we don’t forgive people, God is not going to forgive us.  This is not the only time Jesus said that, either.  In Mark eleven, Jesus says, “when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive them, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins.”  In Matthew six, Jesus says, “For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.  But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.”  In fact, what do we pray every week in the Lord’s Prayer?  “Forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us.”  Jesus seems pretty clear on this point.  If we want God to forgive us, we need to be able to forgive others.

            And we hear that, and we know it, and we agree with it…and yet, it’s still hard.  Even if we really want to forgive, it’s still hard.  Even if we really want our relationship with someone to be restored, even if we really want to give up the resentment and the hurt, it’s still hard.  It’s really hard to forgive someone totally and completely, holding nothing back.

            It’s hard because, when we talk about forgiving from the heart, we’re talking about emotions.  And there’s only a limited extent to which emotions are under our control.  We have some control over them, but not complete control.  We can choose how we’re going to react to the things we feel.  We can choose not to dwell on the things we feel.  And both of those things have some influence over what we feel.  But still, we cannot make ourselves feel something just by deciding we’re going to, and we cannot make ourselves stop feeling something just by deciding we’re not going to.  We may know we need to give up resentment, we may try to make ourselves do it, but sometimes we just cannot, no matter how hard we try.

            Jesus said that we need to forgive from our hearts.  So to me, what that comes down to, again, is asking God’s Spirit to come into our hearts.  I know I talked about that a lot, but I truly believe that’s the only way we can do this.  If we cannot do this ourselves—and I don’t think we can—then the only way we can do it is for God to help us do it.  

And the only way God will help us do this is if we honestly and sincerely ask God to come into our hearts, into our souls, into our minds, and into our lives.  God could force us to forgive, but God does not do that.  If God forced us to forgive, the forgiveness would not come from the heart.  It would be like when you got into a fight with your brother and Mom broke it up and said, “Now, say you’re sorry.”  We might have said it, but we did not feel it, and we did not mean it.  A forced apology is no apology at all.  

Again, the only way we can truly forgive, the only way we can give up resentment, is for God’s Spirit to come into our hearts.  And if you’re like me, you’re going to have to ask God to do this more than once.  In fact, you’re going to have to ask God to do it a lot more than once.  You’re going to have to repeatedly ask God to put God’s Spirit into my heart and help me be more forgiving to others.

Now, don’t take that the wrong way.  I’m not saying that I’m constantly being hurt by people.  Everyone here treats us very well.  Sometimes I get hurt by stupid little things that should not hurt me at all.  Sometimes I’m struggling to forgive people for things that really were no big deal in the first place.  But I suspect I’m not the only one who has that happen.  Whether it’s a big thing, a little thing, or really nothing, we still need to forgive it if we’re going to give up our resentment.  Sometimes forgiveness is not something we do to help someone else.  Sometimes forgiveness is something we do to help ourselves.

We cannot totally control our emotions.  But if we ask God’s Spirit to come into our hearts, God will help us control them.  Then, we’ll be able to forgive totally and completely, from the heart.  We’ll be able to give up that resentment that’s tearing us up.  And we’ll be able to love God and love our neighbors the way Jesus told us to.